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  • Writer's pictureyannick-robin eike mirko

if i could've said goodbye

It’s 3:19 in the morning on December 30th, 2018. Today I turn 21. A lot has happened since we last spoke. I will advise you to take note before I begin that this letter is not an apology or an invitation back into my life, seeing as these last four years now have been some of the most incredible and amazing lessons and moments in my life, and I want to continue to learn about myself in an atmosphere that fosters growth like I have been. The community I surround myself with supports and loves me for exactly the person that I am, and I'm not willing to change that.

I’m sure by now you’ve heard about most things that have happened through other people, and continue to shape me as a negative person in your mind, more than likely adding on what you imagine i’ve been turning out to be as a person without you. I want you to know that I’ve grown to accept that, as hard as that is, given in some ways I have also done the same. But I've also grown to realize how incredibly wrong that is for either party to do. I do not (nor do I ever want to) know if what you said the last few times we spoke years ago about me not being your child anymore and that I was a hated, selfish, greedy person was true for you, but it immediately became my reality once the words came out of your mouth - leading to what was going to be some of the worst nightmares of my entire life - literally and figuratively.

In a lot of ways, life lets you choose your own adventures, and in others, it chooses for you, when you think you’re given a choice. My life chose for me not to have a paternal figure in it, and I’m choosing to keep it that way, although it at first was something I wished would’ve never happened. I am changing and developing into myself and I’m proud of the person that I am, and hope you do not resent me for anything that has happened in the past - regardless of who’s fault anything was. The thought of being resented continues to wake me up at night and I honestly would much rather sleep. I have done a lot in these four years and expect nothing less of myself in the coming ones. Moving on gave me the power to decide where I was going to put my energy, and it isn’t being thrown away on resentment any longer. I hope that in some future, if you haven’t already, you can choose the adventure of moving on and adjust to having lost someone who has and could have loved you the most.

I wish you the best in this coming year - look not in the rear view mirror, but forwards towards whatever is next for you. Cherish the ones in your life without dwelling on the ones who aren’t.

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