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Writer's pictureyannick-robin eike mirko

Ride The Cyclone: A Final Bow

Updated: 4 hours ago


There are things that are preserved as invisible history

because I've had to keep them close, for reasons out of my control.


There are things that are preserved as invisible history

because I want to give the benefit of the doubt.


There are things that are preserved as invisible history

because of my embarrassment of them.


There are things that are preserved as invisible history

simply out of courtesy.


There are things that are preserved as invisible history

from the hope that people will learn and grow.


And then there are things that happen,

that offer me a new opportunity to pull back the curtain.


So...I pull.


I never got a final curtain call as Ricky Potts. It's felt like a peculiar purgatory since I left the McCarter that day. Like a song that ends on an unresolved chord, a show that never ended. Like that exact audience is still in their seats watching us as the stars fill the room in the finale before we explode into song for one last time. It didn't feel like there was ever going to be a way to get that closure, but the outpour of support that I woke up to has given me the courage to try to find it. This has become my chance to walk back on stage, and finish the show. To celebrate the triumph that was embodying the most imaginative boy in town, and what he has become to the hearts of many. Today, I imagine myself getting back up there one last time, rolling off the stage towards the house...and flying above it all into space, where I can leave this behind and make more room for my continued work toward dismantling the larger-picture systemic issues that experiences like mine stem from. I leave the torch here on earth, for you. Ricky lives on with it in an undying flame of love, laughter, and beauty. Because of you. Thank you.


___________________________


I remember when I decided to start #saverickypotts.


Everything about doing the show happened to me in the spring of 2022, ending on the 25th of May. The last time I had gotten a text from the Stage Manager Kelly Schwartz was the night of the 25th. The last time I saw her was during the infamous zoom call on the 26th that Sarah Rasmussen wasn't present for (for whatever reason).


Screenshot of a text on May 25th at 8:31pm from Kelly Schwartz to yannick-robin, saying "Hey friend! Everything okay tonight? You're vocal energy was lower than usual. Let me know if you would like to chat."
Screenshot of text from Kelly Schwartz [Alt embedded]

A screenshot of texts from myself and Gina Pisasale that say," Hey! Sorry we missed each other yesterday! I do need to talk to you today. Can you Zoom at 11:30?" "No worries! Yes, I can. Is everything okay?" "Cool! I'll email the zoom link now! SM Kelly will be there, too."
Screenshot of texts from Gina Pisasale [Alt embedded]

Three days after I had left Princeton I got an email from Sarah, which I found to be curious since she wasn't in the zoom call and I didn't work for her anymore... I remember her telling me one day at rehearsal she wanted to be "old people friends" with me (that I would be around in her life from then on). Yet she wasn't in the call, and is instead reaching out via email the day of the closing performance, 30 minutes before the final show started without me. I was in my flat, feeling completely physically fine. The last time I purged blood was backstage on the 25th. The second I came out of the bathroom I felt completely back to normal and ready to finish the week, yet I was told the next day (by DEI of all people) that my body was "too physically inconsistent for the physical requirements of theatre...not just this theatre but the industry in general" and "what were we supposed to do...ignore the actors' concerns?" She said that to me while ignoring my, an actor's, concerns. Sarah let that happen, and then proceeded to not say anything until this email days later, where she said:


a screenshot of an email from Sarah Rasmussen that says: "yannick-robin eike mirko <yannickemirko@gmail.com> reaching out Sarah Rasmussen <srasmussen@mccarter.org> Sun, May 29, 2022 at 1:36 PM To: Yannick-Robin Eike Mirko <yannickemirko@gmail.com> Hi there - Just wanted to drop a line to say hi. I just want to let you know that I remain so proud of the work you did on this show. You have such amazing gifts as a thinker and performer. I really love your movement work. I know this was a hard process, but I also want you to know that I value you and your perspective on the world. Be well, and here for you if I can ever be useful or a friend. Sarah Sarah Rasmussen ARTISTIC DIRECTOR Pronouns: She/Her/Hers srasmussen@mccarter.org +1 (609) 258-6501 McCarter Theatre Center 91 University Place | Princeton, New Jersey 08540 mccarter.org"
Sarah Rasmussen's last message to yannick-robin [Alt embedded]
...I really love your movement work...here for you if I can ever be...a friend.

It gave me a thought that I find funny now but at the time, I felt dehumanized: I don't feel like that's any different than if a Director was putting up The Color Purple and said 'I really love your pigment' to actors they cast for it on their way out. This was the moment I began to realize how much of a mistake it was to believe her when she called me a friend.


I don't respond, and I sit on whether I ever should. I need time, so I take it.


A two-panel meme that in the top half shows a still from The Office (they are both from there) of a pair of hands holding two pictures and asking a character, "Corporate needs you to find the differences between this picture and this picture." The left panel being held says "A Director saying, 'I really love your pigment' to an actor they cast to play a Black role,' and in the right panel it says, "My Director saying, 'I really love your movement work' to me, an actor they cast to play a 'mostly-immobile' role". The bottom panel is of the character looking at them with a grin and saying, "They're the same picture."
The Office, corporate picture meme RTC Edition [Alt embedded]

___________________________


It was sometime in late summer/fall 2022 that I caught wind of it: my reason. A casting call for the Arena run of Ride The Cyclone (**referenced with permission from Actors Access/Breakdown Services Ltd. in accordance with the access permissions Copyright.**), "*Specifically seeking actors with disabilities*" to play Ricky Potts with the same inaccessible set and the same creative team. The same people who had put me through the wringer only to tell me this production was not suitable or safe for someone with my disabilities (and told me they weren't going to make any changes to the stage when they brought it to Arena) were now seeking someone else with those same or similar physical and mental disabilities again.


McCarter disputes that they knew of my disabilities when they asked me to audition, even though both the McCarter and Arena casting calls specifically mention disabilities in the character descriptions of Ricky, and even though the production member who brought this opportunity to me knew me a year and a half before the show while they were working at the McCarter and knew I had a wheelchair and cane, to the point where they knew how to make Jasper fit in their car. That very person would go on to tell me and other people that Ricky Potts wasn't disabled despite him being described as 'speechless' and 'mostly immobile' due to a 'degenerative disease' in the character description they invited me in to read for (as well as him having been portrayed by most actors before me with fake mobility aids that they threw off stage when they died). This cognitive dissonance from able-bodied producers defines every production of RTC, and it came to a head at McCarter, where the character of Ricky (and by extension, the actor) is disabled when it suits the creative team but not disabled when it doesn't.


The whole reason why I ever spoke up to production during the show in the first place was to ensure that myself and ESPECIALLY future disabled actors were safe since the show team was new to having a disabled Ricky actor (and working with disabled folks in general for some reason...), and so that the theatre + co itself would gain an understanding of the importance of maintaining accessibility and safety, rather than manifesting a shoddy attempt at it last minute. So that the cycle would disappear, not so it would start over in a different place with a new disabled performer and the same team and set and show...


Screenshot of the Arena Stage casting call that says " Friday, Aug. 5, 2022, 12:17 PM Pacific RIDE THE CYCLONE (ARENA STAGE) Theatre ARENA STAGE, KREEGER THEATER AEA  	  Producer: Arena Stage Director: Sarah Rasmussen Choreographer: Jim Lichtscheidl Music Director: Mark Christine Scenic Design: Scott Davis Costume Design: Trevor Bowen Lighting Design: Jiyoun Chang Sound Design: Andre Pluess Book, Music and Lyrics: Brooke Maxwell and Jacob Richmond NY Casting Duncan Stewart CSA of Stewart Whitley Casting Assistants: Darienne Orlansky of Stewart Whitley Audition: Initial Self-Tape Submits 1st Rehearsal: Dec 27, 2022 1st Preview: Jan 13, 2023 Opening: Jan 19, 2023 Closing: Feb 19, 2023 Rate: LORT B, $1008/week Location: Washington, DC  Stewart / Whitley    DEADLINE: AUG 10, 2022		   NOTES FROM CREATIVE: RIDE THE CYCLONE is a visually stunning musical comedy that asks “what makes a life well lived?” The musical encounters grief and loss head on, but also invites us to see each other and ourselves with new eyes. It lets us feel big feelings and encounter the mysteries and wonder of being human. This production walks the tightrope of hilarious and heartfelt. These characters have no idea they are funny. Our heroes are awkward, sometimes infuriating, and ultimately glorious teenage souls. In 90 minutes, we see them transform from stereotypical strangers into fully prismatic humans that we will never forget. The magic of that transformation is via your actor ability to remind us that through empathy, change is possible. And when we see characters change, something in us feels just a little more possible.  We welcome performers of all ethnicities, gender identities, abilities/exceptionalities, and body types. Please take this into consideration when submitting clients. Actors of diverse cultural and racial backgrounds are encouraged to apply. In addition to genders listed in character breakdowns, we are actively seeking trans and non-binary performers for all roles.   [ THE AMAZING KARNACK ] *Especially seeking BIPOC actor*. Female Identifying/Male Identifying/Non-Binary, 30+ to play a mechanical fortune teller. Karnak himself is not long for the world (what with his wiring being gnawed on by a rat that's made its nest inside his case), but he does have legit mystical abilities and the power to send one of the kids back to the land of the living and survive the accident. (The allure of Karnak is that he draws us in and is our guide through an unfolding mystery.). With great authority and some innate danger, he knows the future and holds fates in his hands. While Karnak possesses an elevated and wry sense of mischief, there is also a world-weariness to him. He’s seen a lot and knows he doesn't have forever to set something in motion that will ultimately lead the characters, and more importantly the audience, to a place of seeing the world and our place in it through a new perspective. As with all narrators, the good ones hold a kind of tension – they are both of the world and a little outside of it. They are our guides, but they also keep us on our toes at the same time. Such is this character. [ RICKY POTTS ] Male-identifying, 18+ to play late teens. *Specifically seeking actors with disabilities* Lives with a degenerative disease that has left him speechless and mostly immobile. He discovers at the beginning of the play that in this strange purgatory, he has regained all of these abilities. He reveals a secret inner life in which he accesses Rockstar superpowers of charisma – think Prince or Bowie. Baritone rock voice. Basic accordion a plus."
Actors Access Casting Call **referenced with permission from Actors Access/Breakdown Services Ltd.** [Alt embedded]

A screenshot of the following information: "SELFL-TAPE / RIDE THE CYCLONE / 01.26.22 DARIENNE ORLANSKY <Darienne@stewartwhitley.com>	Fri, Jan 21, 2022 at 8:08 AM To: "yannickemirko@gmail.com" <yannickemirko@gmail.com> Hello,     I hope you are well!     We would love to invite you to self-tape for the role of RICKY in RIDE THE CYCLONE at MCCARTER THEATRE CENTER. Please note that these requests are coming directly from Cory Dunn and Sarah Rasmussen of the MCCARTER THEATRE CENTER.     If interested and avail, please prepare the pertinent sides folder in FULL, as well as 16-32 bars of a Pop/Rock song of your choosing, that shows off your range please. All sides, sheet music, the script and backing tracks can be found at the below link.     RIDE THE CYCLONE MATERIAL:  https://www.dropbox.com/sh/a8x78xpbfmqpabs/AACWGn2PU3SHaSSkZWHG7RqYa?dl=0     Feel free to reach out to darienne@stewartwhitley.com with any questions or concerns!     Deadline for Self-Tape: Wednesday, 01.26.22 by 5 pm EST.     Preferred submission methods: WeTransfer, dropbox folder, downloadable vimeo. Please send each part of the sides as a clearly labelled, individual videos (e.g. ‘SIDE 1,’ “16 Bars,” etc..).     Best,  Darienne     ---     RIDE THE CYCLONE (LORT C)  Theatre  Venue: McCarter Theatre Center  Union Status: AEA               Producer: McCarter Theatre Center  McCarter Artistic Director: Sarah Rasmussen  Book, Music and Lyrics: Brooke Maxwell and Jacob Richmond  Director: Sarah Rasmussen  Choreographer: Jim Lichtscheidl  Music Director: Mark Christine  Scenic Design: Scott Davis  Costume Design: Trevor Bowen  Lighting Design: Jiyoun Chang  Sound Design: Andre Pluess  New York Casting: Duncan Stewart CSA of Stewart|Whitley  Casting Assistants: Darienne Orlansky, Afsheen Misaghi of Stewart|Whitley  Audition: On/About December 2021 & January 2022.  McCarter First Rehearsal – 03.29.22  McCarter First Preview – 04.30.22  McCarter Opening – 05.07.22  McCarter Closing – 05.29.22  Rate of Pay: $1008 / week  Location: New Jersey     NOTES FROM CREATIVE:     RIDE THE CYCLONE is a visually stunning musical comedy that asks “what makes a life well lived?” This musical encounters grief and loss head on, but also invites us to see each other and ourselves with new eyes. It lets us feel big feelings and encounter the mysteries and wonder of being human. This production walks the tightrope of hilarious and heartfelt. These characters have no idea they are funny. Our heroes are awkward, sometimes infuriating, and ultimately glorious teenage souls. In 90 minutes, we see them transform from stereotypical strangers into fully prismatic humans that we will never forget. The magic of that transformation is via your actor ability to remind us that through empathy, change is possible. And when we see characters change, something in us feels just a little more possible.     We welcome performers of all ethnicities, gender identities, abilities/exceptionalities, and body types. Please take this into consideration when submitting clients. Actors of diverse cultural and racial backgrounds are encouraged to apply. In addition to genders listed in character breakdowns, we are actively seeking trans and non-binary performers for all roles.     [OCEAN O’CONNELL ROSENBERG] Female-identifying, 18+ to play late teens. Alpha female. Ocean is the self-proclaimed leader of the group, relentlessly competitive. She starts out oriented to win at any cost, but ultimately her heart breaks open to seeing the humanity in those she once saw as rivals. High Broadway mix, with a pop quality. Big range.  [MISCHA ALEXAI BACHINSKI] Male-identifying, 18+ to play late teens. Adopted from the Ukraine as a teenager. He has a thick Ukrainian dialect and a lot of rage. He is obsessed by Gansgsta Rap (an enormous fan of the auto-tune phenomena). There is a hidden, soulful romantic side. Baritenor with the ability to sing lyrical Ukrainian folk music as well as rap.     [NOEL GRUBER] Male -identifying, 18+ to play late teens. The only gay kid in Uranium. Never had a relationship. Obsessed by French New Wave cinema, he has fantasies of dying a tragic death, like a French prostitute. Intellectual, biting wit, but he doesn’t have enough hindsight or life experience to make him a snarky bitch. Tenor, with a great falsetto. Must be able to sing in the style of a French chanteuse.     [RICKY POTTS] Male -identifying, 18+ to play late teens. Lives with a degenerative disease that has left him speechless and mostly immobile. He discovers at the beginning of the play that in this strange purgatory, he has regained all of these abilities. He reveals a secret inner life in which he accesses Rockstar superpowers of charisma – think Prince or Bowie. Baritone rock voice. Basic accordion and/or tumbling a plus.     [CONSTANCE BLACKWOOD] Female -identifying, 18+ to play late teens. Comic chops, a big heart and a delightfully goofy and soulful way of seeing the world’s bittersweet wonder. Will do anything for Ocean’s friendship and allows herself to be used as a doormat. Self-deprecating, lots of pain under the pleaser façade. Dubbed “the nicest girl in town,” a title she secretly despises. Alto belt, with a rock edge.     [JANE DOE] Female -identifying, 18+ to play late teens. A mystery. Possibly the new girl at school who no one had gotten to know yet. She was decapitated in the accident and no one claimed her body. Even though she isn’t headless in the piece (but often carries around a headless doll), the trauma of the accident leaves her discombobulated and removed. It’s like she’s learning the world anew, with some weird references from a past life. Classically trained soprano with a flexible coloratura upper range, and some grit and meat in the lower register. For JANE DOE, prepare a brief classical song with floaty top notes.             Darienne Orlansky (she/her/hers)  Casting Assistant  347 West 36th St, Suite 903, New York, NY 10018  212.635.2153 | StewartWhitley.com"
My audition invitation (that did not include a call for disabled actors) [Alt Embedded]

At this point, I don't know if anyone else knows. I tried to warn the President of Arena Stage in Washington, D.C. since it's the next place the show is going and they are producing it...and this is how that goes [see PDF below for full conversation]:



[Arena's President, Edgar Dobie:] ...Let me begin by saying you need not endure any fear in raising your concerns with me. My older brother Donald had severe cerebral palsy and my parents and our four brothers were his first advocates joined soon by an entire village. Many doctors predicted a life that would not extend beyond 12 years. With a will made of true grit and resilience, Don lived well into his 50s and passed of a broken heart after our Dad died suddenly. As an older brother he taught me many lessons I carry with me today...I offer these personal reflections first to hopefully convince you I take your concerns so passionately expressed with the seriousness they deserve...Although I will not speak to the specifics of your account of your experience at McCarter, I hope you can appreciate I did take time to confer with Sarah and Gina. They have been generous with their time and continue to be ultimately grateful for your time together in collaboration, learning, growth, and inclusive artmaking when at its best. They still value their relationship with you and have hopes that it can be mutual someday.
From my perspective, the constant invitations for collaboration and resources provided by Sarah, Gina, and their creative and administrative teams were extraordinary. Those sensitivities described to me new lessons that model policies and behaviors we can all learn from....In your role as an advocate for disabled actors let me give you the following assurance: You reference flaws in the script. I can confirm that none of the lines you cited as problematic are in the production anymore. The collaboration you were offered with the creative team led by Sarah and the authors was appreciated and resulted in these permanent adjustments in the script. You reference flaws in the production. Accommodations were created and tailored with your mobility needs in mind with the physical production and choreography. I can assure you that the same sensitivities will be accommodated in the rehearsal process with returning and new cast members, as new accommodations may need to be considered. This also has always been our practice at Arena Stage. With all my lived and professional experience, I am confident to report that such a workplan will be made for Arena’s production of Ride the Cyclone. We will continue with that confidence...

Because I knew the casting notice said what it said, and the stage was how it was... Because I felt these safety concerns were never addressed adequately by Arena when I presented them... Because I wasn't convinced the team understood their room for improvement as both employers of all types of people and art collaborators on pieces that involve diversity and accessibility after our experiences... Because I felt there was nothing else I could do... a movement was born.


I did everything I could to get the future to change for the better.


___________________________


I got support from Emily Rohm on Twitter. I got emailed by Scott Redmond with a message titled 'Ricky to Ricky'. I got bad-mouthed by Kholby Wardell seemingly everywhere, without ever hearing from or knowing him. The only cast members of any production that I have heard from about #saverickypotts both at that time and to this day are Emily Rohm and Scott Redmond. It meant a lot to know that there were people before me that also felt some type of way about Ricky and that there was support behind my opening up about it. Scott ghosted me after offering to set up a way for me to speak to the writers of the show for the first time. Not even an 'I'm sorry I don't think it can happen' email.


Scott Redmond <scott.redmond95@gmail.com> Tue, Nov 15, 2022, 12:01 AM to me  Thanks so much for being so candid about this whole experience, I sincerely hope it's not dredging up traumatic experiences. I just emailed Jacob and Brooke to invite them into a conversation. I do think hearing from you directly will be beneficial and, while I don't foresee it causing pain on either side, any temporary discomfort will be well worth it for the sake of the show and its future casts/audiences. What that actual conversation will look like (emails, zoom, etc) I can't say for sure yet, but I'll gladly help intermediate/advocate/try to lift some of the burden off you in any way that I can. I'll keep you posted once I hear back from them. Looking forward to what's ahead!  All my best, Scott    On Sat, Nov 12, 2022 at 8:02 AM yannick-robin eike mirko <yannickemirko@gmail.com> wrote: Scott,   I first want to apologize for the delay in response. My inboxes were exploding with support I had no idea how to hold and then this email came in and I had a good cry [don't feel bad about that, this is a thank you. I needed it]. I'm frustrated with the fact that the best I can do is say there are no words to describe my sense/level of gratitude towards your having reached out. I am incredibly ashamed that this is how I'm meeting people, but I am happy to be speaking to you, nonetheless. The weird feelings aren't personal. I just hate vulnerability, and took a leap of faith and asked the internet for help and then it exploded.   The beginning of this year was incredibly traumatic for me. Incredibly. After being fired, I fell into a bad relationship with substances, and had to seek help. I no longer see a point in my existence beyond advocacy for equal rights, and that includes the ability to truly feel joy. I don't think I have that part of me anymore, the part that feels. It died on stage with me every time I did the show in front of an audience who had no idea what was happening behind the scenes but was giving the credit and the thanks to the Director of the show and theatre, it died every time I had to nudge Sarah again to ask if she had a chance to mention the Ricky line changes we talked about over the multiple meetings she had with the writers, where I have no idea what she said that led them to allowing my version of him to have nothing to do with being disabled as she walked into rehearsal with line changes for everyone else, it died when I was told ASL wasn't allowed to be in Ricky's character line because they loved how I was never communicated with as a part of the story so it was forced to stay, it died when Sarah [Director in question] emailed me after making the DEI person of the theatre fire me because she didn't have the guts to commit the crime herself to say "I really love your movement work". It died so many times during that run, jesus fuck did I die during that run. And now everyone knows it, and I'm embarrassed. Humiliated.   I was never allowed to speak to the writers, I don't have their contact information, I don't know what they were told, I don't know if they know that I had to fight for her to get my line change requests to them, there's just so much unknown within this pain. I don't want to ruin their lives, everyone says the writers are great people and I believe that. I was never angry at them because the script said what it said. It was written some time ago, I was just here to make a few edits to keep it aging well. I don't want them to think I'm trying to take the show down forever, but also, I'm not attached to it anymore, so I can't guarantee the next Ricky's safety. I don't know how much you know but I am attaching the thread between myself and the President of the Arena Stage in DC that's doing the next RTC run with the same cast and production team sans me, as a Co-Production with the McCarter. It's not pretty. He pulls a "well, I knew a disabled person once, so my ableism is allowed".   What do you think, would a conversation with the writers seem like something that would be helpful for them? If it would cause any pain, then *mocking Constance* I want no part of it!!! I don't know how much you intended to speak to me beyond the initial email, but if you're comfortable with being a part of that conversation with them, should it ever happen, it would mean a lot. I don't think that is a situation I would be able to do alone. Sorry if that was a big ask. I'm losing sanity here, so I'm going to go cry a little more. Thank you again for reaching out, I really really appreciate it. And I'm sorry I haven't gotten a chance to ask you about yourself. Will do at some point. You're more than welcome to forward this email thread we're having to anyone you'd like, I live unafraid of my truth.   Talk soon, be well.   On Wed, Nov 9, 2022 at 6:49 PM Scott Redmond <scott.redmond95@gmail.com> wrote: Hey Yannick!  I'm Scott, I was the Atlanta/cast album Ricky, I hope you don't mind my reaching out. I just read about your experience with doing Ride the Cyclone and I'm equally appalled and inspired. Thank you so much for speaking out. This show already means so much to so many people and has the potential to do so much more, but we need to make sure that the piece itself isn't guilty of the same ableist indifference that it's trying to condemn. I can't speak to the indignities you endured during your specific production, but I do want to say that, if the play itself is going to have the multitudinous future productions it deserves, your creative input is necessary in order to ensure that RTC succeeds in genuinely giving a voice to the unheard. It's been a long road toward crafting a character as beautiful as Ricky Potts, and many of us have added our humanity to him, trying to make sure the licensed version is a character who responsibly services the audiences and actors that he meets in each future production. I'm so glad that you've become an integral part of the character's development.  I'm not sure how in contact you've been with Jacob and Brooke about all this, but let me know if you'd like their emails, or if you'd like for me to set up a dialogue between you. This show is my favorite thing I've ever been a part of, and it needs and deserves saving. While we all know it was nobody's intention to do wrong, it is everyone's responsibility to do right.  Sending love from Zolar, Scott   -- yannick-robin eike mirko | they/he
Scott Redmond emailing yannick-robin eike in fall 2022 [alt embedded]

The movement keeps moving, until it eventually begins to rust and decay. Ricky's role is changed in the script to have an invisible disability, rather than a physical one. I lose hope in the chance for an ethically written Ricky Potts or a safe Ricky actor.

___________________________


Time passes in the form of years, and it's now 2024. I get reached out to about a documentary being made surrounding the history of RTC. I meet with the documentarian, Brendon Henderson and am interviewed for the piece. Time goes on. I keep catching the wind of things with my kite (an anonymous inbox on my other blog). I need time, so I take it.


___________________________


The documentary comes out. That's when I see the McCarter decided they also wanted to comment:


Initially unaware that mirko used a wheelchair and with only four weeks until the set needed to be finished...

This is interesting, given the producer who started it all was familiar with the feeling of de-constructing Jasper to put in the back of their car. Did they fail to mention that to the theatre as a reason why I seemed fitting for the 'mostly immobile' role?


...Though email correspondence suggest mirko approved the [inaccessible] ramps, mirko claims he never did.

There is a very big difference between what happens in an email and what happens when you're in a warehouse surrounded by a production team and carpenters who you eventually grow a sour relationship with whom you asked for an ADA ramp from making you choose between the only options you are given...both of which being illegally inaccessible (I should've rolled away when I had the chance, that was a clear sign from the universe and I missed it). Here's a word from Brendon Henderson on this:



Email that says, "Hey, in regard to the ramps, I really try to plant the seeds that there are power dynamics at play - especially because it's your first production with McCarter. If I was in your spot, I'd probably say "oh, sure it's fine" even though it's not. I related it to the time when I was in a production and my Uncle died and I told the director "oh, sure it's fine if I miss the funeral" because I didn't wanna upset them. It wasn't fine. I'm hopeful the viewers will pick up on that and reach that conclusion themselves."
Email from Brendon Henderson about the ramps [Alt embedded]


According to emails obtained by Wait in the Wings, on April 9, 2022, the theater sent a message to playwright Jacob Richmond that highlighted “two small tweaks [yannick-robin] wanted to make to the text to help Ricky feel more empowered.”

Requests were made before the production began, weeks prior. Ricky got talked through/addressed by the cast and crew on April 12th during rehearsal after the circle talk (oh, just wait until that part), and the revisions from that day were emailed to the cast the same day. The next day, physical pages with Ricky's changes for our run were handed out. Itwas the same changes as the day before, and a few more. In total, there were changes to 8 pages of the script (for context for when in the timeline this is happening, this was Wednesday of week 3, with one week of rehearsals left before tech week. The whole project was 9 weeks long).


Screenshot of email that says: "Hey all!     Attached are the script changes we discussed today in rehearsal. Tomorrow, stage management will have a hard copy of all the changes that Sarah wants to discuss with the group moving forward.     Best,  Kelly     Kelly Schwartz Production Stage Manager Pronouns: She/Her/Hers kschwartz@mccarter.org  McCarter Theatre Center 91 University Place | Princeton, New Jersey 08540 mccarter.org    		Script changes 4.12.docx 14K"
Screenshot of email from 4/12/2022 [Alt Embedded]






In reference to the line ‘born with a rare degenerative disease’, Rasmussen conveyed the suggestion of adding a script note that read ‘if actor does not have a physical disability, please consider using ‘a rare condition’...

That cop-out is still an appropriation of real-life rare disease patient medical experiences, just with a more ethical word. There are MANY rare disorders and diseases that are recognized by their communities as lived ‘conditions’ and not as problems in need of changing. I’ve written about this before, actually!


I say 'condition' and not 'disease' with this area of the rare experience due to the harsh nature of stigma within medicine and how it impacts lived experience, said best by InterACT [on the subject of intersex conditions], "'Disorder' or 'difference of sex development' (DSD) is still a common medical term for intersex traits. Many intersex people reject the term 'DSD' because it supports the idea that their bodies are wrong, or up to doctors to 'fix.' Advocates in the United States often bring up the fact that until 1973, being gay was considered a mental disorder. Many natural human differences have been framed as medical problems, until communities fought for acceptance." Henceforth in the context of being intersex: what was once considered "disorder/disease" is now considered "condition”. (From ‘On Intersex + Rare Disease Awareness’).


The comment from the McCarter that struck me as most curious was one I bet you wouldn't expect:


According to a stage management report, the understudy covered for mirko when they missed two performances on May 20th and 21st due to feeling ill.

SM Kelly Schwartz and I had several conversations talking each other off the ledge of leaving more and more often as the production went on, leaning on each other to get through it. It was sad seeing her be as unhappy as she was, and it meant the world to me that I had someone who understood, someone who was also doing their best to keep showing up. Someone I considered a friend.



A screenshot of a text from Kelly Schwartz on April 25th, 2022 that says, "Hey, hey! Let's do this thing! Remember, I'm right there with you on that ledge holding your hand."
A screenshot of a text from Kelly Schwartz [Alt embedded]

May 20th and 21st I didn’t go in because tension between myself and another cast member amounted at that point to where I had to take a break from being on stage with them because professionalism began to leave their (and other actors') performance and it was really affecting the show energy and everyone’s mental health. I'm talking actors-going-out-of-their-way-to-not-make-eye-contact-with-me-during-dialogue-between-only-our-characters levels of tension. It was incredibly unprofessional to see. I was considering leaving the rest of the production and needed to talk myself off the ledge to finish the weekend out. When the zoom call happened, I asked her if she was going to say anything to which she unmuted herself and responded something along the lines of "This decision wasn't in my hands. You know I wanted to see the end of this through with you. We were so close," tearfully, if I remember correctly. I didn't hear from her again.


Take a second to consider this statement from the documentary as well:


The administrative team allegedly met with mirko to talk through a plan of what would happen should they [yannick-robin] be in physical or mental distress.

Wait a minute..if that were actually the case.....then why wasn't the understudy waiting in the wings dressed and ready to run in on my first night back/every night?!


JUST TO MAKE SURE THAT IT IS ABUNDANTLY CLEAR: I NEVER TOLD ANYONE THAT MY DAYS OFF WERE RELATED TO BLOOD OR THROWING UP + I DID NOT HAVE ANY SYMPTOMS OF THROWING UP BLOOD ON MAY 20TH OR 21ST AND EVEN IF I HAD ANYTHING ON THOSE DAYS, THEY WOULD NOT RELATE TO THE 25TH/INCIDENT. 


My bleeding had nothing to do with either of those days that I was not there. I can tell you that for a fact because that's not how chronic bleeds work. The medical discoveries I've made in the years since corroborate this. My doctors have told me that if I ever have a prolonged bleed I should be in an ER because I would be on my way out of this Living Plane. I cannot BELIEVE that time and time again I am forced to use my own medical history as a reference so as to not exploit others (this is not even the last time in this blog post that I do this).


...I feel stripped of my physical autonomy through their narrative of events, which is just a perpetuation of the behavior I was trying to flag in the first place. They love to claim the intrigue of a rare disease (oop, sorry Sarah...'condition') for a show while knowing nothing about the lived experience, and making up how they think it works to aid their narrative with a construct of my disability that they could never respect to this day as evidenced by what they decided to use their time with Brendon for.


___________________________


A screenshot of a text from Kelly Schwartz on the 4th of April, 2022 that reads, "Wanted to check in about Jim using Jasper as a reference for other actors spacing instead of using Ricky as a point of reference. It didn't sit well with me.
Screenshot of text from Kelly Schwartz [Alt embedded]

Since they decided to open a discussion about my body and the events on set at the McCarter RTC run, I've decided to open up about what really happened in order to preserve the point of speaking out. Do keep in mind that this is just the tip of the inaccessible iceberg, and the entire reason I opened up in the first place was to illuminate the dangers of working under someone in a position of power who is underqualified to work with people on every part of the spectrum of ability, and how little awareness of this there is in the room beyond the disabled person (if you've ever seen the Jordan Peele movie Get Out, it's giving "I'd vote for Obama a third time if I could" while running a Black brain hijacking camp vibes. They think that what they are doing is enough and is correct).


On April 12th, 2022, the cast and I headed to rehearsal with a goal to speak to the production team across the table about how we weren't going to move forward with rehearsals until things changed. We congregated in a hotel room the night prior after rehearsal and all understood that things the choreographer, Jim Litchtscheidl, was doing had gone too far and needed to be different. A decision was made to reach out to someone at the theatre so they would be aware of what we were thinking about, and Gina Pisasale, the DEI person, seemed fitting for the cause. I let her know that we thought it might be helpful to have her there (because I thought she was a friend to the cast), but that it might be too late for that to happen. I never got a reply.


I have recently anonymously acquired a video that's dated April 11th, 2022, among other things to be mentioned and displayed in a brief moment (no, I wasn't making a documentary about this, asking people for evidence. I simply spoke up and have since had very busy inboxes. People reach out with support, and it occasionally comes with an attachment). The ableism around that time was beginning to affect all of us, and unfortunately, racism entered the room pretty soon after, which I think contributed to our need for a stand/sit still. It's a recording of Sugarcloud, and as you can see from the thumbnail we are circled around the piano without chairs or music stands, and there's a platform up that represents the different parts of the stage. One of the actors is standing on it, singing. The only person in the picture who's reading off of a script (or even is near a script) is the swing, who had to learn all of the AFAB parts at once so it's understandable. The work schedule email sent out by Kelly also stated we should be off-book by this week. I say all of this to say that by the time we made it to the third week of rehearsals, April 11th and 12th were both days where it was already atypical to show up to a room of chairs because we had already learned the music and lines and started doing work-throughs. This is why I and other cast members were shocked to find ourselves in a room with a massive circle of chairs housing the production team waiting with Gina and several other theatre staff outside of the show on the 12th when she never responded to our courtesy ask, and the schedule for the day started with dancing (which requires an empty stage).


A screenshot of an email to the cast and crew of the show on April 11th, 2022, that says, "Good evening,     Attached and below is the RTC Daily Call for Tuesday, April 12, 2022.     Actors: For the work thru tomorrow please try your best to be off book. Stage management will be on book for you so you are encouraged to attempt it without books in hand. We are asking you to be completely off book by Thursday.     Best,  Kelly     Daily Call  Tuesday, April 12, 2022  10:00am-4:00pm  Berlind Rehearsal Hall  Company Van Schedule  Pickup Time  Destination  Arrival Time  8:45am  McCarter  9:00am  9:15am  McCarter  9:30am  9:45am  McCarter  10:00am  4:15pm  Res Inn  4:30pm  4:45pm  Res Inn  5:00pm     Actor  First Call  Location  yannick-robin eike              10:00am           Berlind Rehearsal Room  Jim Lichtscheidl  Ashlyn Maddox  Nick Martinez  Eli Mayer  Katerina McCrimmon  Kelly Prendergast  Matthew Boyd Snyder  Princess Sasha Victome     Time  What  Actors Called  9:45am  Dance Warmup w/ Tiger  Optional  10:00am  Finish Staging     FULL Cast  12:30pm  BREAK  1:00pm  Work Thru  4:00pm  END of Day           Costume Fittings  Time  Type  Location  Actor Called  4:00-4:45pm  Costume Fitting  Costume Shop  Katerina McCrimmon           Kelly Schwartz Production Stage Manager Pronouns: She/Her/Hers kschwartz@mccarter.org  McCarter Theatre Center 91 University Place | Princeton, New Jersey 08540 mccarter.org"
Screenshot of April 12th Stage Manager email [Alt embedded]
A screenshot of the video show the video's information, which includes that it was made on April 11th, 2022
Screenshot of Sugarcloud video [Alt embedded]

When everyone got to a seat and the circle conversation started, a lot of people spoke about how they were feeling, and some said things I'll never forget: good and bad alike. Some left the room feeling victorious, but the cast left feeling empty. You can see how I turned out in this screenshot from my text thread with Sarah on April 12th (I wrote to her this way because I believed her, so pardon my vulnerability.)



I've got you!!! Let me work with you on this, friend

Disability consultant Dr. Roger Ideshi came on the 21st (the Thursday of the 4th week of rehearsals) to speak to the cast and crew while I drank wine on the tab of Gina's McCarter card that she happily swiped at the end of our stay in The Dinky since I wasn't the one who needed to hear what he had to say. I don't remember very much of this, but I have a strong feeling that this was the moment when Gina said to me, "It's always the hardest on the first one..." I have a memory of a glass of wine and a direct view out of the window to the theatre, as the phrase was offered to me as validation for both how insane I felt and how inadequate they were. A shield for the McCarter's weaponized/strategic incompetence.


I'm mentally brought back to a statement from someone from the cast who spoke during that meeting as I looked out of the window. It still reminds me of this quote, even now. Written as best as I can remember it:


I want to react, but then I also have to go through the filter. Okay, I'm a young man of color. If I go to rage right now, the white people are gonna think I'm fucking crazy, so then I can't do anything and I hate that feeling and that's not okay. I know I'm not gonna pretend to speak for everybody but I know I'm not the only one feeling this way about this situation.

The word used for me in meetings behind closed doors at the McCarter was explosive. Gina said it to me in a way that scarred me to where I once replied something similar to, "you know, it's even worse coming from you. From one misunderstood minority to another. You're gonna sit as a person of color and perpetuate those stereotypes of people like me instead of address the fact that I am being driven to a point of escalated that I cannot de-escalate from without enough time to self-regulate."


At the time of the show I wasn't aware of the acronym DEAR MAN as a communication strategy. In the years after the production through some personal medical discoveries I've had, I now understand the situation to be that I would become what I now call 'Un/Non-DEAR MAN-able', and was unable to communicate that, as well as being put in a situation where no one - not even the DEI person (who I thought would be the book smart enough to be mindful of escalation continuously as well as it's relationship with CPTSD as it pertains to how a work environment could affect diagnosed folks and what to do to mitigate that) - could read the room and recognize that this behavior was a symptom of the Complex PTSD that escalated past the point of oblivion due to the continued inequitable treatment of my physical AND mental disabilities, as opposed to someone 'being explosive.'


When I was a kid, I knew people who would tell me I was attitudinal, and that it would ruin my future. Being called explosive at the McCarter reminded me of that for the first time in a while. I tried to understand why while I was in Princeton/everything was happening. I realized that both parties using those words against me were ethically/morally out-of-touch, and my failing to get them to understand that in a calm and patient way at the start would turn into escalation several weeks into trying things a softer way with little to no success. Instead of wanting to learn through the growing pains, they all decided to use my "attitude" or "explosion" against me instead of my behavior being seen as a part of a mental disability that a person needs help with preventing/avoiding the experience of by being in environments that are accessible for them and all of the ways that their disability can manifest so that they don't escalate so much? Do people only want to cast people with disabilities they deem as 'doable'? Are my legally protected rights and needs not 'doable' for you? Who does that reflect on, really?

___________________________


Since this turbulent experience, I have had many wonderful stable experiences on and behind the screen, on and off the stage, in a trauma rehabilitation center, that have shown me the escalated version of me in Princeton, stays there forever. It was the only place I have experienced anything like that apart from childhood, and the only time apart from then that I acted that way. Now, I visit the town every so often to stop at some shops I like (namely the record store, thrift shops, and ice cream). I was just there last week. I'm not afraid of bumping into anyone, and I take my time and enjoy roaming the streets in my wheelchair. If I can choose bravery in Princeton years later, I can choose bravery from my own home today. And so I will, by sharing the audio I acquired of the April 12th circle conversation that represented a breaking point in the McCarter RTC production.


Is there more out there? Maybe. For now, I hope this recording gives some insight into: how the whole cast had a problem with how things were going (at that point at least), what it's like to escalate and be misunderstood, how the production team and McCarter staff react to feedback, and how sweet tones of voice saying the "right" keywords amount to empty promises and inaction. I'm not proud of how I sound, but there's no way I'm the only person who will feel that way once the reception of the audio is more public than it has been.


I don't know who you will believe. I just hope that by putting these facts in the hands of others, they will set history straight and allow me the opportunity to leave this small production in my past, to make room for changing the macroscopic inequities in entertainment at large.




The email says, “Went through all the materials and all I can say is, Jesus Christ. I listened to that full recording and it truly amazes me how it was an hour and a half of people saying nothing -- disgusting how it was just empty words and they never once asked for feedback, input, or as that one person said, "taking the L". The section where they start feeling bad for the choreographer sent me over the edge. This really puts the whole situation under a new light Brendon Henderson”
Screenshot from an email by Brendon Henderson [Alt embedded]

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~ allegedly ~


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DISCLAIMER: THIS IS NOT A MONETIZED BLOG POST. NONE OF THE CONTENTS IN THIS ARE MONETIZED. THE PUBLIC AUDIO FROM APRIL 12TH IS NOT MONETIZED. NO ONE IS MAKING MONEY OFF OF THIS.

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